Wednesday, December 30, 2009

CAD # 11: The Fat Chance Fairy

I don't care much for holidays, religious or otherwise but tonight is New Years Eve Eve! That is right, ladies and gentlemen. Tonight, the Fat Chance Fairy flies all over New York City. She has a flimsy, black, plastic bodega bag full of Good Luck and she decides who will win the lottery in the coming year. It doesn't matter if you're naughty or nice. It doesn't matter if you believe in her or not. Nothing matters. But, just in case it is possible to get on her good side, like most people, I leave a large pepperoni pie from Original Rays Pizza and a 2 liter of Dr. Pepper next to the bathroom window. It's believed that this is where she enters the apartments of those lucky enough to be getting lucky next year.

Fat Chance Fairy

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

CAD #10: La Cougar Acha

Okay, my first slip in doing a Character-A-Day on my blog. You may even notice it's been three days and I'll tell you why. I had gone out to get flowers for my wife, just because, when I was accosted by some Hassidic Ruffians. They pulled me into a dark alley and forced me to play dreidle. As luck would have it, I started out doing great. I had them by the gelt. Then, things started spinning out of control. Before I knew it I'd run out of cash and was throwing everything but the baby into the pot. Everything including my laptop with all my characters.
So, the blog was out of commission but, I'm back with a character who needs no explanation, which is good, because she has nothing to do with the above story.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

CAD #9: Shorty Cash

Just over 5' tall
Tell him a short joke
(he's heard them all)
and if you make him laugh
he won't kick your ass.

Friday, December 25, 2009

CAD #8: Floyd Foy

Awwwwwright! One full week of "Character A Day" is done. Let's start week two - It's Floyd Foy who has fantastically flat feet!


Thursday, December 24, 2009

CAD #7: Green Foot

You've heard of the mysterious, hairy giant that lives in the woods, or his shaggy white cousin in the Himalayas but few know about Green Foot. This pygmy offshoot of the Big Foot ( Pedes Giganticus) family is the tiniest and most powerful of all the Big Feet. Unlike their antisocial cousins, they move freely through the human world. They, in fact, have come to depend on us to transport them and cary them too and fro. The Green Foot uses his long, green tale to mesmerize people. We don't even know we're holding them. That coffee you drank and tossed away on the way to work this morning? Probably a Green Foot. That magazine you picked up to read on the subway and then lost it? Probably a Green Foot. The hooker you got a room with last weekend? Probably a hooker.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

CAD #6: Burt Halliburton

You know that guy who's always out on the street or the subway, headphones blasting, talking loudly to himself? That guy who seems to have no where to go and nothing to do? Burt Halliburton is that guy. Well, he's one of those guys. No. He looks like one of those guys but Burt believes he does have somewhere to go. He does have something to do. He dreams of someday working for Halliburton, the company that shares his name. Like one of the guys who drive the lions that make up Voltron, he wants to be part of something bigger than himself. He wants to be a cog in the mighty corporate backbone of America. What's that blasting from Burt's headphones? Is that the inspiring voice of Zig Ziglar? What's Burt saying to himself? Are those mantras of personal well being and self enhancement? Yes, yes and yes. Has Halliburton, the company, responded to any of the eighty-three resumes Burt has sent them? Not yet.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

CAD #5: Lady Canister

Ready to fight crime at a moment's notice, Lady Canister can be found power walking in any of the malls in the Tri-state Area. At the time of this writing, her super power is still unknown but we suspect it is contained within her green canister. Unless that's just a thermos full of coffee.

Monday, December 21, 2009

CAD #4: Cold Shoulders Santos

After a freak accident with an ice cream truck in 1975, Charles Santos has no circulation in his shoulders. They're always cold. Mr. Santos has been to many doctors but no one can cure him. The insurance companies call his condition pseudo - psychosomatic and they don't cover that.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

CAD #3: Trumpette

Trumpette is one of the five Jazz Muses who whisper sweet sounds into the ears of Jazz musicians and inspire great music. The other four are Piana, Saxparilla, Guitarina, and Max Roach.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

CAD #2: Elbows Schopenhauer

Warren, who's a friend of a friend of mine, tells me "there's this guy, up in Westchester, who has four arms. Four. No, not arms instead of legs. He's got legs too. He has four human arms on one torso. The guy calls himself Elbows Schopenhauer. He owns an antique store called Smoke & Mirrors."

"Oh," I say, " so the guys a prankster or magician or something."

"Beats me " says Warren. "All I know is the dude has four arms!"

Friday, December 18, 2009

CAD #1: American Jedi

I'm going to try and post a Character A Day. Every day. Don't know how long I'll keep it up. The way I've been going with projects, I hope this makes it to #2.

I was hanging out at a dive bar in Manhattan late last night (you know, a wretched hive of scum and villainy) when a girl came up to me. She said her name was Lucia Skytalker and asked if I knew a smuggler named Don Solo. I noticed the light saber on her belt and thought she was kidding. I laughed and said, "Your Jedi mind tricks won't work on me."
Next thing I knew it was 4:30 in the afternoon and I was on a bus in The Bronx.